The Debate

Saturday was a pretty slow day shift. Since there was no college football on (Army v. Navy doesn't count), cold and rainy weather, people didn't feel like coming to the bar and neither did I.

The first half of the shift consisted of me and the other doorman going down into the 'basement' of the bar (aka the storage room) boxing up everything and moving it to a new kitchen to be stored while the basement gets dry-walled. Sounds exciting right? It was... Knowing my luck, i'll be the poor schlub that has to put all that storage back into the basement.

Because of the bars poor occupancy, it left much room to eavesdrop the hell out of people's conversations. It made it much easier that this particular pair had polished off a couple drinks and were using their outdoor voices inside (which violates my personal beliefs). Then the question of the day was proposed by the gentleman to my buddy bartender.

The million dollar question was, "After how many dates is it appropriate to cut off communication with a girl if you haven't 'shtuped'?"

First off, the look on the woman's face who he was with was absolutely priceless. It was the extremely confused/shocked look of "wow buddy, you just blew any sort of chance you ever had," or it was the look of "wow buddy, you're such an asshole it makes me like you even more."
But just like in any debate--there are deciding factors that sway the outcome. Considering that every case is different, the discussed variables were:

• How much do you actually like/connect with/respect this person,


• How much dough are you dropping on her, and


• How much dough are you dropping on her

After discussing the different variables, the bartender replied with an answer of "3-4 dates." The men pretty much agreed. The lovely lady was still bewildered by the question.

Now i'm passing the question on to you--Ladies is pimps too, and their input is especially important. So again, after how many dates is it appropriate to stop wooing a dame (or a gentleman caller for ladies) if you haven't made 'whoopie'?

Please post your answer in the comment box below (she may have said that, but after how many dates?)

The Creepy Old Man

SPOILER ALERT: THIS WAS THE CREEPIEST MAN I'VE EVER SEEN

Sketchy people are arguably the most fun people to observe. But, this older gentlemen took sketchy, creepy, and scary to an entirely different level of uncomfortable. This goes down as the most discomfort i've ever felt witnessing a man being creepy.

I was working the door that night and there was a group of three middle-aged gentlemen at the closest table to the door. I was basically part of their party. To make matters even creepier, this was Halloween weekend so about 60-70% of the patrons that night were in costume. The night started out totally fine, the guys were eating, drinking, and being merry, but a few beers and shots later--the creepiest creeper, who we'll name Creepy Carl, decided it was time to bring out the camera.

All guys are flirty with the wait staff. Probably because they all happen to be cute young girls (shocker ay?). Carl decided to snap a couple photos of the group with their waitress who was dressed as a "naughty cop." Not that crazy--I mean, with their looks and their age, how often are these guys around cute young girls. They wanted to capitalize on their moment. Go ahead fellas. Have a ball. But then things got weird...

When the waitress was checking on her other tables, the things that came out Carl's mouth were quite shocking. I won't get into details because this is a family friendly blog, but i'll just say that Carl was quite attracted to the waitress and was describing adult activities he would like to engage in with the waitress. Looking for affirmation from his friends, Carl remarked something to the effect of, "am I right?" One of the gentlemen said, "C'mon man, i've got a daughter that age." I immediately thought in my head, "Good for you. Good for you."

Then the bar started to get really busy, filling up with scantly clad girls in their Halloween costumes. This is when Creepy Carl started going up to literally every girl in the bar approaching them with the same opener, "Can I take a picture with you?" I heard that phrase so many times that night that I will never forget it. Some girls were able to escape this completely awkward situation of being approached by a drunk middle aged man trying to snap a photo for his personal collection. Others were not so lucky and/or were too nice to say no. I thought this guy might be a serial killer and is possibly looking for the best skin suit to wear ala Buffalo Bill. Then the zooming in happened--I think you get the picture (pun intended).

Then me and the other guy working the door started having a little fun with this weirdo. We would pop behind the pictures of random girl and Carl and try to ruin the picture by giving them bunny ears, and antlers, and making funny faces to try and relieve some of the creepy-ness (being as discrete as possible of course).

Countless times, the very nice waitress who had to put up with this party would come over to me and the other bouncer and tell us "this is the strangest night of my life." She definitely made a months rent that night however, which she was stoked about.

I made a promise, nay, a vow to myself that I would never be that creepy ever in my life. Guys shouldn't have a camera at the bar in the first place. That's just part of guy code. Only females bring camera's to the bar to show how great/terrible of photographers they think they are (but that's a different article for a different blog).

Moral of the story: Don't be like Creepy Carl. And if you're a guy, you shouldn't have a camera at the bar.

Do's and Don'ts

In my experience working the door, I have compiled a list of Do's and Don'ts that should be followed for a successful customer/bouncer encounter.

Do's:

• Bring your ID--you would be surprised how many people come to the bar without an ID and expect to get in. Are you kidding??
• Have your ID ready--this one goes out to all the ladies out there. It's very frustrating when you ladies have huge purses filled with everything but the kitchen sink and struggle to find your ID upon entering the bar. The next line spoken is typically, "wait. I swear I have it." 5 min later, "it's here I promise."
  
• Be kind and courteous to the guy at the door--It's like pissing of a waiter at a restaurant. Don't mess with the people that handle your food, don't mess with the people that let you in the bar. I won't spit in your drink, but if you piss off a bouncer you have a target on your back the rest of the night (we're not drunk so we know who you are)

Don'ts:

• Try and dap up (shake hands in a hip fashion) the guy at the door--This one goes out to the fella's. We don't care if you are trying to impress your friends by looking cool. Just give the ID and go.
• Piss us off--see above
• Hold on to your ID while we are trying to check it--I'll give it back if you are 21 I promise.
• Give me your ID and while i'm looking at your ID start to walk away as if you're soooo 21 that getting your ID checked is so beyond you--It only makes you look more suspicious.
  
• Approach me and tell me that you are gonna hook up with that chick--you're not.

This is a very short list that will account for a positive evening.

Introduction

Hello good people. My name is Justin and I started working at a bar in Chicago, IL as a bouncer/doorman a couple months ago, and in these few short months I have encountered some hilarious situations and learned a lot about the 'bar biz.'

First off, I'm a 5'9 and 180 pound guy who has never been in a fight in his life, and prays that he will not have to be in his first one every time he clocks in to work. I am also very soft spoken and tend to shy away from conflict. How did I get hired as a bouncer? How does anyone in the world a job? Connections. Why would a softie like me want to be a bouncer? Money. Am I the best at my job? Probably not.

But, as a bouncer, it is my responsibility to people watch (everyone's favorite pastime), enforce the house rules, and to make sure that everyone has an enjoyable and safe night out. However, I have seen some things, and some stuff.

I have come across guys spitting just horrible game and think they really have a chance. I have unfortunately seen some horrific dancing that truly furthers the stereotype that white guys have no rhythm. And of course, I have had to toss people out for being idiots.

I am using this blog as an outlet to share these ridiculous experiences with others (if anyone is actually gonna read this)while I act as a sober monitor and observe your night out.