I apologize for the length in between posts, but I have been quite busy at my 'real' job. I understand that for some(/all) of you, this may be incredibly hard to believe, but do not let these words deceive you. Do not let the time spent on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube or Netflix deceive you.
Now, on to the goods:
First, as a disclaimer it was a very long weekend and I will try to recount events as best as possible.
As many of your livers know, this past weekend was the weekend before St. Patrick's day. I will refuse to call it 'St. Patrick's Day' because the actual Day is on Thursday, it was not this weekend.
I was scheduled to work Friday night 6pm-2am and Saturday 9am-6pm. This is all well and good even though I was not pleased that I had to work basically a 'double.' Thursday, I get an email sent to my Verizon Blackberry with the subject 'Change In Your Schedule.' At this point, I get very excited that maybe I only have to work one of the shifts. No. The change in my schedule was that I was required to come to the bar at 7:30am on Saturday because we open at 8am. This was not the best omen for the weekend.
Friday:
Only 1 memory is clear from Friday because the things I saw have been burned into my brain and I will never be allowed to forget it.
The front table clears, and this group of regulars comes in. I will try to describe the group as best as possible:
- Girl 1: 6'5, 300 lbs, runs a 4.6, and could play linebacker for the Cleveland Browns. Let's just say she is there more for the all you can eat buffet (boo-fay) than the drinks.
- Guy 1: The most normal looking guy of the group that had a cool Bulls hat until I saw it was Addidas brand, which is not acceptable for a fitted (a cap that 'fits' your head size without a snap-on buckle)
- Girl 2: A minitaure sized Snooki. Let that blow your mind.
- Guy 2: Looked like the guy that lived in his mothers basement and practiced his bass guitar while playing WOW (World of Warcraft, don't ask me why I know that)
- Girl 3: The Lebron James of the group. Built like a statue. She wasn't 'heavy' but she was just way bigger than the average girl. Loved to dance.
- Girl 4: Girlfriend of guy 2--shocking I know. Wore a tight fitting bustier, which obviously was the wrong size. Oh, and a flower in her hair.
Everything was fine until the drinks started to settle in. Then, the dancing ensued. This is when the LBJ of the group started to take over and really 'own' the floor. She was a huuge (pun intended) advocate for 'butt-bumping' her partner, and proceeded to drop down and get her eagle on. I literally thought the room was gonna start moving as she was droppin' low. I had no choice but to hysterically laugh at her futile attempts to be even remotely sexy. It just wasn't working.
To make matters worse, Guy 2 and Girl 4 started to get quite intimate in a public setting. Apparently, the rules of PDA were not in effect for this particular evening. They must have some weird roleplay fantasy that they are vampires or something, because this guy literally looked like he was interested in biting the shit out of her neck. It literally looked like he was a cannibal trying to eat her for sustenance. The image of Guy 2 trying to eat his girlfriend will forever be burned into my brain. When they were hardcore making out, I thought he was gonna swallow her whole. It was painful, intense, passionate, gross, disgusting, grotesque, but hey, that's art to some people.
The manager came over to the other doorguy and said, 'Never let these people sit in the front ever again. It's not good for our image and clientele.' I think this is a very fair assessment. If I were going to a bar and saw this group I would run away as fast as I could. I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to have to witness the things I saw that night.
Saturday:
I ended up getting home at 3 on Friday night/Saturday morning, took a 3 hour nap, and headed back to the bar. I'm pretty sure I had a dream about the bar I work at.
I arrive at 7:30 and people were wearing all green for something. I didn't understand why...St. Patrick's Day is Thursday, I thought maybe the bar was opening early for The Ohio State basketball game.
My job from 7:30am-6pm? Stand outside and direct people to the Port-a-potty's and make sure they weren't drinking outside, loitering, or smoking while inside the black gate. I had just as much fun performing this task as you did reading it.
Much doesn't stick out from Saturday because I was already exhausted from the night before, and I was just complaining (as everyone in the restaurant/bar business does. All we do is complain about how we hate our jobs, managers, lives etc... and question why we still do this shit. The answer is money. Doll hairs and cents.)
The only clear thing I can remember that is worth mentioning is that a man, clearly gay, asked the other doorman standing with me all day if we were gay. I respectfully told him that I was not, and in my head thanked him for the compliment.
For those of you wondering (and I know you are, cuz you asked me): 'Omg, was everyone, like, way drunker than normal?' The answer is not really. Seen one drunk, you seen em all, I says.
Happy Two Days Before St. Patrick's Day!
