My First Fight...Kind Of

Wow. Ok. So, this past Friday's shift was unlike any shift i've ever had during my tenure as a bar bouncer. On Fridays, there is an 'after work' special/deal, which consists of an all you can eat buffet (pronounced boo-fay), and all you can drink drafts and wells from 6pm-11pm for the one-time low price of $20. Things usually get pretty crazy, but never in my life had I experienced what I saw that one fateful night.

The shift started off normally. It was my job to guard the 'boo-fay.' To answer all of your questions, the answer is 'Yes. It's as glorious a job as it seems.' Basically, I just make sure that only the people who are eating the food have the right colored wrist-band, and if the food is starting to run low, I tell the food-runner to replenish the stash. I am also the sneeze guard (just kidding).

It wasn't entirely awful because it was the beginning to the All-Star weekend so I watched the celebrity game and caught Bieber fever. So from 6-11 I stood there feeling pretty unimportant and useless and kept questioning my motivation to continue my work as a bouncer, and I do because of you the fans. There are stories that need to be told, and thank you for listening (reading).

After breaking down the buffet at 11 I decided I needed a change of scenery from the party of obviously underage DePaul students who were hosting a birthday party, and move to the front and start checking ID's.

Everything was pretty standard until about 12:30am when someone flipped a switch from everyone being normally behaved at a bar to literally dropping like flies.

It all started with this one girl who couldn't of been more than 105 lbs. She was having trouble carrying her own body weight (aka standing upright) so the other door guy and I decided it was time for her to 'kindly' leave. She however, did not take to 'kindly' to the idea of her having to respectfully exit our establishment.

She kept refusing to leave. Once I got her out one of the two doors I kindly explained to her why we asked to her leave. I very plainly, very respectfully told the girl that she had too much to drink and had become a liability to herself as well as the bar. When that didn't work I tried explaining to her that because this is a bar we reserve the right to choose to not serve anyone we please. This is when shit got personal.

'You're just mad because you're ugly,' she exclaimed. I tried to keep my cool and be professional, but this my friends, crossed the line. I know I didn't trim my beard that night, and maybe I didn't get enough sleep the night before and I was pretty tired and didn't feel very well, but that was just a blow to my confidence.

'I bet i'm better at you at anything in life. Go ahead, name one thing and i'll beat you at it.' 'Be better than me at leaving the bar,' I replied with a sarcastic tone. 'Ha. Ha,' the girl responded.

Then I just decided to go back in the bar and hold the door because I had had it up to here with this chick. She tried to open the door but because of my superior strength and masculinity she was unable to do so. 'Ohhh what a big strong man you are,' she shouted through the door. That actually made me laugh.

Then somehow when neither of us doormen were looking she snuck in the door and staged a sit in at the bar. She literally just sat down on the ground. Lifting a dead weight person is pretty difficult. Obvi, we were explaining to her friends why she needed to leave and they understood and were trying to get her to leave too, but this girl was full of perseverance. Her friends tried to get her off the ground and when they did, the other doorman and I gave each other the 'nod' and decided it was time to physically remove the girl from the bar.

He had her arms, I had her legs, and we gently placed her outside. Upon her release she tried to punch the other doorman in the nuts, and slightly connected and proceeded to steal his pen and shouted, "Haha. I've got your pen now!'' That was pretty fucking funny.

Eventually after some crying outside with her friends she FINALLY left. And that ladies and germs was my first fight...kind of (see how it all comes together? this is where I got the title for this post from).

But the madness didn't stop. One guy was standing by the bar and decided to do an improv 'trust fall.' Except nobody caught him. He just fell backwards, spilled his beer, and landed on the cold, hard, probably sticky ground. So he was gone--

Then this other guy just plainly couldn't stand up and then he fell down--so he was gone.

And 3rd times the charm as this other girl was trying to sit down in a char, but just completely missed and fell--so she was gone.

I don't know what the hell the bartenders were serving to these people that night (maybe fall down juice) but I want some.

Thanks for reading,
Justin